


Choices

by Blueflame91



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Biphobia, Bisexual Katsuki Yuuri, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Biphobia, M/M, Post-Canon, Supportive Victor Nikiforov, tw: biphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:27:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24106720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blueflame91/pseuds/Blueflame91
Summary: In which Yuuri Kastuki realizes he's accidentally kept something important (and potentially relationship ending) from his boyfriend. Anxiety ensues.(Also titled: in which the author is Bi and Has Anxiety and may be Projecting)
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov
Comments: 19
Kudos: 149





	Choices

Yuuri looked into the bathroom mirror, taking a deep breath and gripping the counter of the bathroom sink like it was a lifeline tethering him to the ground, anxiety coiling in his stomach like a snake. He looked himself in the eyes, knowing that this was most likely the scariest thing he’s done since…

Well, in retrospect, he had logically done things that made his anxiety hem and haw in a far worse way, leaving in incapacitated on the floor for half a day. He’s been doing better since then, he feels. Granted, he’s been lying to Victor, so maybe this is worse and it just hasn’t hit him yet.

Okay, it wasn’t _lying_ , per se. Yuuri was an adult, and it wasn’t really Victor’s business until now anyway, right? Plus, it wasn’t until kind of recently that he had realized that there were certain aspects of himself that he and Victor hadn’t discussed. Things he knew were important, and that Victor definitely deserved to know them, if his (albeit extremely limited) experience in the Detroit gay bar scene told him anything about it.

( _“OH my god, I finally found a fun, cute guy and he thinks he’s quirky and different. Way to play with my emotions, jackass.”_

_“Wait, really? That’s… kind of gross, actually.”_

_“You don’t have to fake liking girls still, you’re already at a gay bar, honey. Unless you’re pretending to be gay?”_

_“You don’t really need to be here to get laid then, right?”_

_“Make up your mind, and then get back to me sweetie.”_ )

…Yuuri didn’t really go out after that.

That aside, he didn’t want to hide himself anymore. At least, not from Victor.

He hadn’t even meant to hide either, is the stupid thing! They had just… not talked about it. Victor had kissed him (Victor had kissed him, like that was a thought that didn’t set his face on fire and release a cage of butterflies into the pit of his stomach) in front of God and Everyone, and things kind of just… happened. After that. There wasn’t a whole lot of talking involved. 

(Yuuri had simply asked, after everything had cooled down, if this meant they were dating now, and Victor smiling his heart-shaped smile and taking his hands and replying “Only if you want to, Yuuri.”

They kissed a LOT after that.)

Yuuri shook his head, trying to focus his nervous thoughts into something more cohesive while taking a deep breath to steady himself. Even if Yuuri couldn’t ‘make up his mind’, Victor still deserved to know, didn’t he? Victor, of all people, didn’t deserve to be tricked or lied to about something like this. Yuuri wanted Victor to know, and if that caused Victor to hate him, or think he was gross or confused…

Yuuri took another deep breath as the thought of Victor’s face contorted in disgust being directed at him, like Yuuri was like the spoiled milk they had found in the fridge the other day, and felt his stomach fall to his feet. 

Yuuri took another shaky breath. Inhale. Exhale.

Victor deserved to have a choice. Even if that choice wasn’t Yuuri. Even if that choice hurt Yuuri.

That’s what love is, isn’t it?

Yuuri jumped when he heard the front door opening -- Victor had gone out to walk Makka, Yuuri opting to stay home after a long day of practice and wanting time to relax by himself for a bit before dinner. He heard Victor’s soft, deep timbre speak to Makka in Russian as he released her from her leash and let her loose. Yuuri knew that Victor was probably taking the time to take off his shoes; a habit he’d developed in Japan, switching to slippers to keep the floors clean. He heard the crinkling of bags, meaning that either Victor had gone out grocery shopping or, more likely, he had decided to abuse his coaching privileges to ‘allow’ Yuuri to have a cheat day in his diet because he didn’t feel like cooking, and didn’t feel like having Yuuri out of cuddling range due to him being next to a gas stove.

“Yuuri?” Yuuri took another deep breath. He had to tell him. It was only fair. 

Yuuri opened the bathroom door and poked his head out, seeing that Victor had, in fact, grabbed take out on the way home. Yuuri smiled and resisted the urge to shake his head at Victor’s antics, stepping out and moving towards him to help with the bags. “ _Okaeri, koibito_.” Victor’s face lit up at the pet name -- as often as Victor called Yuuri every pet name under the sun, the reverse of that didn’t happen as often as Yuuri would like. (And with the risk of losing Victor tonight, he was beginning to regret not doing it more, since it always made Victor so happy.)

“Makka and I were hungry on the way home, so I figured we’d have a cheat night tonight.” Victor held up the bags of decent Chinese food like they were a gold medal to show off. 

“Only you and Makka?” Yuuri asked, feeling himself slip into a familiar back and forth that he and Victor had established these past few months. Victor placed his finger on this mouth, giving Yuuri a faux-thoughtful expression. 

“I suppose you can, as long as you work twice as hard tomorrow to make up for it.” Yuuri nodded in response as Victor’s ‘serious’ expression melted into a soft smile, leaning down and giving Yuuri a soft kiss on the cheek. “Besides, I wouldn’t want my Yuuri to suffer eating boring diet food while I ate take out, that’d just be cruel.”

“You’re supposed to be dieting too, you know.” Yuuri stated bluntly, and rolled his eyes as Victor feigned offense at being called out in such an awful way, listening to his boyfriend whine as he grabbed plates and bottled water from the kitchen to set the table with. Victor followed him, sulking while Yuuri finally caved and laughed at Victor’s dramatics. Once everything was set and plated up, Yuuri ended up giving his pouting Victor a kiss as an apology for laughing at him, which Victor milked for all it was worth, getting a grand total of six kisses from Yuuri before he was satisfied.

(This, of course, was a lie -- unbeknownst to Yuuri, Victor was never satisfied when he wasn’t getting kisses. However, there was only so much chap stick and lip balm in the world, and Victor was running low on his supply.)

Yuuri watched Victor take his first bite and moved to open his water bottle, before what he had been thinking in the bathroom rushed back to him all at once. 

Fear of rejection began to settle into his stomach, the visualization of Victor’s anger and disgust (why was it always disgust? Yuuri knew he wasn’t the most attractive person, but he wasn’t _disgusting_ , was he?) so sudden and visceral he almost immediately lost his appetite. What will Victor think of him? He was staying in Victor’s apartment in Russia now -- would he have to sleep on the couch? Would he have to find somewhere else to stay? Could he even find somewhere to stay at this point? 

Would Victor be heartbroken? Confused? Angry? Disappointed in him? Yuuri had tried so hard while he was college to find someone who would like him as himself, and he would understand if Victor didn’t like it, he could, but --

“Yuuri?” Yuuri jumped as Victor gently touched his arm, dragging him out of his own and back to reality of their kitchen and dining nook, Chinese food, and Victor looking at him with awkward concern. “Are you okay? You’re uh…” 

Yuuri blinked in confusion as Victor gestured to his own face, Yuuri lifting his hand and realized that he had somehow worked himself up so much he was crying. “Oh.”

“Yuuri, I’m…” Victor thought for a moment, seeming to try to find the right words to say. Yuuri waited for a moment, feeling awful about all of this. If he had talked to Victor about this sooner, it wouldn’t have to be this sudden or this weird for Victor. “I’m here if you want to talk about it? Only if you want to, of course. Not to say I don’t want to listen if you don’t want to either, I just. Suppose. If you need to talk about it I’ll be here. And if you don’t I’ll. Also be here.” 

Yuuri stared at Victor for a moment before laughing a little -- after all this time together, Victor was still awkward and awful about people crying in front of him. Victor seemed to relax a bit, glad that he’d said the right thing. 

“I’m sorry for scaring you.” Yuuri started, fidgeting in place under Victor's watch while trying to figure out how to start this discussion. “I just…” Yuuri worried his lip for a moment, the fear and anxiety starting to bubble again, but he knew that this was something he couldn’t allow to fester and grow. If it was this bad after just a couple hours with the realization there, leaving it like this would affect… everything. Plus, with everything that’s happened up to this point, doing that and not talking about it now would be a step backwards in their relationship, wouldn’t it? 

“I need to talk to you about something.” Victor blinked and sat up a bit straighter, suddenly seeming tense. Yuuri took another breath and kept going. “It’s something I don’t tell many people, and I feel like you should know. It may change how you view me and… that scares me.”

Victor nodded, expression serious. Yuuri stared at him for a moment before tearing his eyes away -- as important as it was, he didn’t want to see Victor’s initial reaction to this. It’d hurt too much, otherwise.

“Victor, I’m…” The words caught in his throat for a moment, his anxious mind screaming at him to let things be, to just let himself be happy with this half-truth that Victor believes, but that’s selfish, isn’t it? Yuuri swallowed around the lump re-forming in his throat and continued his thought, closing his eyes to prevent himself from looking at anything and clenching his hands on the table to get through this.

“Victor, I’m bisexual.”

There was a silence that seemed to drag on forever. A pregnant pause that seemed to want to drag Yuuri into a dark, deep abyss until suddenly --

“Is that it?” Yuuri flinched at the question; the bluntness of it, the confusion, but… wait. ' _Is that it_ '? What did he mean ‘ _is that it_ ’? Yuuri opened his eyes and looked over at Victor, who looked… relieved? What?

“Yuuri…” Victor suddenly looked a little sheepish. “Yuuko told me about the crush you had on her as a kid, and Phichit told me about your girl and boy crushes on Instagram. I knew that already. Or rather, I figured it out on my own.”

Yuuri blinked owlishly at Victor, the information processing. He… knew? He knew? “You… never said anything.”

“You didn’t either.” Victor pointed out, with a gentle smile and a raised eyebrow. Yuuri blushed at Victor’s bluntness. “I didn’t think it mattered, either way. If you wanted me to know, you’d tell me in your own time.”

“But… you aren’t mad? Or grossed out?” 

Victor’s brow furrowed, confusion marring his face. “Mad? Why would I be --” Victor paused mid sentence, understanding bleeding into his features. He gently reached over and laid his hand over Yuuri’s, slowly allowing Yuuri to unclench his fist and slipping his fingers in between Yuuri’s and giving his hand a soft squeeze. “Yuuri, I love you. No matter what gender you're attracted to, or who you think is physically attractive. I could never be mad at you for this, or grossed out, or any other of those nasty, horrible things you’re thinking. Do you know why?”

Yuuri shook his head, and Victor lifted Yuuri’s hand up to his lips and kissed his fingers gently, his expression soft but serious. “Because you’re my wonderful, stubborn, beautiful, amazing Yuuri. And if others couldn’t see that, then it’s their loss.”

Yuuri blinked, feeling the lump in his throat and tears in his eyes for an entirely different reason. However, Victor’s smile turned large and goofy as he added: “And my gain, really!” Yuuri snorted and laughed, the abrupt shift in the mood of the room causing the overwhelming feelings to shift -- still there, present, felt by both of them, but… so wonderfully, entirely theirs. Victor’s expression softened again as Yuuri got his laughter under control, wiping the tears that had still spilled from his eyes with his free hand. 

“Yuuri.” Yuuri looked back at Victor as he kissed his fingers again. “ _Solnishko_.” He moved his hand and kissed Yuuri’s palm, causing Yuuri to bite his lip and wonder where this was going. “ _Dorogoi_.” He pulled Yuuri closer and lifted his arm up, pecking the inside of his elbow, making Yuuri laugh again because now Victor was just being extra. “ _Lyubimiy._ ” He moved up and kissed Yuuri’s neck, his breathing tickling more than seducing. “ _Zolotse_.” He then kissed Yuuri’s lips -- not passionately, but not chaste either. It lingered for a moment, allowing Yuuri to process and accept the knowledge that Victor wasn’t going anywhere. Victor then leaned back in his chair, breaking the kiss and squeezing Yuuri’s hand. “I love you.”

Yuuri smiled, squeezing back and biting his lip and nodding in response -- everything felt so big and bright and wonderful right now, but also… finally, _finally_ right. He looked at their hands conjoined together and hoped, above everything else, that this lasted forever. "I love you, too, _koibito_."

**Author's Note:**

> ┬┴┬┴┤ ͜ʖ ͡°) I finished this at 4:08 AM and decided to share it? Constructive critique is welcome!


End file.
